30 Things #20: Unspoken between God and I

I approach this post unsure of what to say or how to share. Of course when someone says "unspoken" that generally means they are not going to divulge the nitty gritty of what something is really about. That intentionally vague statement that keeps you at a distance.


I don't know if I am quite ready to talk specifically about what was between God and I on this particular item in such a public forum...partially because I have no idea how you will take it (read: I don't want your judgment, opinions, or pity) and I think I might feel a little vulnerable (read: I would want to know exactly how you judge me, what you think and still, you can leave your pity at home)

But I will say that this item, once again, was about me taking steps towards being more open, more aware of my own hang-ups, and willing to try to shift my behavior or perspectives to see if maybe I would get to experience something new and better than what has felt like a dead-end cycle. It was about change and growth.

Ok, yes, this unspoken.......was about boys.

Before you go trying to guess what it was, focus on my face and hear me say: seriously, it doesn't matter what it was. It was between me and Jesus. And between us, I feel pretty darn proud of the ways he has stretched and led and grown me in this area towards my heart's desires while also remaining present to my current season all at once.

I pushed past some boxes and borders and remained open to some things I never thought I would do or try in the past. It has been uncomfortable. It has been freeing. It has been hard. It has been empowering.

I could say a lot about my journey of singleness. More than I ever cared to even be ABLE to say. (One day maybe?) But I suppose more than how I have grown, I have seen the faithfulness of my Father and his care of my heart in the midst of my pain and my joy. And in this unspoken area, the Lord has been faithful to me and used some pretty out of the box ways to fulfill this bucket list item! Really, it wasn't me doing anything but just responding in peace and rest rather than worry or fear.

Isn't that how it always is? Jesus leading and us being faithful to follow? Watching what he is already doing and then joining with him? That can be true even in the areas of relationships that our hearts were created to live in. He does that in the little, seemingly silly things. I have to often be reminded that he does actually CARE about the "silly" things of my heart and he is not annoyed or belittling of these things! He finds JOY in meeting, not just our needs, but our desires too!

If you want to know more, I am open to having a conversation about this with you. But for now, I am grateful for the ways I have seen him work in this #20 and I continue to believe, as much as my heart can muster, depending on the day, that he is not through and he will fulfill the longings of my heart in his own way and his own time.
Amen.