So I'm just gonna say it: I'm not a very generous person. Some people are born with that chip that makes them want to give and give from the absolute bare bones of what they have and, to say it nicely, I was not born with that chip.
I have all kinds of theories as to why this could be but regardless the reason, I am the opposite of the cheerful and generous giver. I am a recovering penny-pinching, guilty-conscience-when-I-spend-more-than-$20-on-clothing, "thrifty" impulse buyer that returns everything the next week unless I absolutely NEED it or have been eyeing it for 6 months kind of money manager. I am a "if I don't have extra this month in my budget, sorry, ask someone else" kind of giver. Whether it's clothes or money or food or boxes or you name it, I tend to save and keep. Thus the need for THIS post.
But man...
I have been given SO much. SO generously. By my parents, my family, friends, parents of my friends...in a way that always surprises and blesses me. (All that God has given...yeah this goes without saying this time around.) Always makes me feel a bit unworthy and underserving. And sacrificial gifts are the most humbling and yet beautiful things I have received from others that I think it is important to extend the same grace I have been given. I can relate to that guy Jesus told a parable about that was forgiven much and then went out and didn't forgive the debt owed him. I cringe because I know that often in my heart, that would be me. #uglytruth.
So what I gave, who I gave it to, why I gave it...it doesn't really matter. That was not the point of #11. This was on my list as a form of a spiritual discipline--to listen to the Lord and obey. To be sensitive to a need or desire around me and instead of hoarding or turning my back, to listen and see if I was to be part of blessing that person.
Granted, the one part of this thing was that I ended up not giving anonymously. It was an in-the-moment, "I better obey right now or my flesh might run away and I'll lose my chance" kind of moment, which meant the person knew it was me giving. But honestly, I think it may have blessed them to know it was me, knowing who I am and my own weaknesses in this area, to know that the Lord would give what I gave through me was part of the blessing or specialness.
I never expected "completing" this bucket list item would have looked like it did, but I am glad it was part of celebrating my 30th year. The Lord used me to bless another while also taking pleasure in my obedience in the process. I felt joy because I felt his kind and gentle voice encouraging the step I took. When he says it, when it is really from him, and when we listen, it is amazing how our heart attitude is one of joy and "YES! Ok, let's do this!" instead of fear or begrudging.
Part of true gifts are also that there are no strings attached. I think that was part of God's work in my heart and a sign it was from him--I was not concerned with what I could get in return or whether I was appreciated. And what was done with the gift didn't matter, nor was it my responsibility. The discipline was to simply obey and yield to Jesus, leaving the rest to him!
That's one of the complicated things about giving something "meaningful or special" because what might be special to me seems like a piece of trash to you or what you find meaningful, I can't care much about. Therefore that was also an important part of listening to the Holy Spirit about what and when to give--he knew what would mean something to that person. That is part of the blessing, knowing that obedience caused someone else to be touched and turn towards Jesus also.
So, I hope that there is more of this in my life. At the core, it is still a discipline. It will never be an area that I am gifted in, but it doesn't mean I can't practice being a gift and giving what I have back to the One who gave it all to me in the first place. He can do whatever he wants with it. :) Amen.
(Speaking of things I have been generously given...a way to go with my family to Cali in December for my cousin's wedding, which is what these pics are from. What a fun gift this year!)
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