Whoa.

When I sat down at my counseling appointment yesterday, I knew I was going to cry. I just didn't know that I was going to feel and become so exposed. 7 tissues later, the tears still coming, my eyes were a little more open to my own hardness. I have had some walls up. Major walls. For a really long time. I was suddenly aware of just how long they have been there. And the major builder of those walls? My own over spiritualizing. It was self protective. I needed to trust Jesus, I needed to look to the Lord. But in looking to him, I wasn't letting him hold my hurt. I was still the one fixing it and the "fixing" was really just a bandaid that I eventually grew skin around. Ew. 

I don't know what to say, because I am still sort of in a daze. Trying to stand still and let the room stop spinning. Trying to understand…is this as significant as it feels like it is in this moment? Will this shocked feeling being gone in a few days and will I feel like this isn't a big deal? Do I want this to go away? 

I feel like the Lord is stirring waters that have almost never been stirred. The only time they have been, is by him. But this is different. It's like preparation and change I didn't know I needed. Like getting ready to go on a journey and thinking you had everything you needed, only to realize you don't have a plane ticket or passport or bag to carry all your crap. And you genuinely thought you had everything you needed. 

Maybe in the coming days I can say more than this. But this is all I got right now. I just needed a place to say….

Whoa.

Normally I would be quick to say "break down my walls Lord." But this feels way scarier to say this. I want to say it, but Jesus, be gentle with me. I know you will be. I just need you to teach me how to live without these walls before I can just tear them all down. Otherwise, I won't know what to do. Walls aren't healthy, but that doesn't mean it will not be extremely uncomfortable or strange without them.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12