the home stretch

In less than 2 months, I graduate. I have graduated from many things...from kindergarten, from high school, from the honor academy, from college. yet all of those have been with the anticipation that sometime, at one point or another, I would be moving on to another form of education. When I was done with college, I knew that I would eventually get my masters. It had to be done if I was to work in any form of counseling and it was where I felt God calling me. BUT...now this graduation is a little different. there is no "I'll be going back in a year" type of plans. In terms of formal education, unless God says otherwise at some point in the future, this is IT. (gosh, that only took 27 years ha ha)

So many are asking that normal, yet sort of poking question, what now? the short answer is, I don't know. It is a bit disconcerting to have worked so hard and put so much time and energy into something, only to feel stopped short by complete unknown of what is next. Some respond with excitement, some fear. I supposed I have been a strong mix of both with a bit of stress added in. I WANT to know. I WANT to have a sense of vision and purpose for whatever it is I am working towards. I want to be excited. I want to feel peace that I am in the right place. I want to be told. Sometimes I wish the story of God writing on the wall in the Bible was never there because then I wouldn't hope for it :) I suppose I shouldn't want that anyway since he was writing about the impending destruction of a kingdom!

I think that any transition causes me to ask about more than just what I will do. It has to do with who I am, how I see myself, how I understand the Lord, how I understand his timing and his will, how I make decisions, how I get caught up in the opinions of others, how I put such crazy expectations on myself or on what life is supposed to look like, how my Western mindset gets in the way of a Kingdom mindset, and it goes on and on.

I have been trying over the past few weeks to spend some intentional time each day just listening to the Lord instead of praying about what I am supposed to do. The things I am hearing really have nothing to do with my plans in 2 months but everything to do with my heart, his heart, and how I am living. I find myself fighting against the so very human temptations to say, "yeah ok God, that's nice, but can you just tell me what I should do and then I can listen to all this?" I realized that what I was really saying to God was I want the end result, the genie in the lamp, not a relationship with my Creator. Ouch.

SO, I am doing my best to seek him and his heart, to work on cultivating relationship so I can better understand, when it is clear, just how I am to walk it all out. When things are clear, which I trust he will do, I will let you know :)