lessons from an intern's chair

At the beginning of my counseling internship, we had to read a wonderful book called "Letters to a Young Therapist" by Mary Pipher. It is the kind of book you genuinely look forward to reading and as a new little intern so worried about what the heck I was doing, it was a comfort to read.
So after a year of doing this thing, I have learned a few lessons of my own...about people, about myself, about the process of counseling, and some funny little things in between. Here are a few I would love to share with you!

• Listening goes a long way. people want to be heard, to be understood, to feel normal, to feel validated. there is immense relief in simply being heard
• I am competent. I am competent because I am me--not because of the knowledge I have or that I am some "expert," which I am not--it is my relationship with the client that brings the most change and healing. The words are a bonus.
• If, by chance, a VERY large spider crawls out during a session, have some bug spray and a trash can (preferably empty) ready. Spray, immobilize, and cover it. You can then procede until your client leaves. Also, have a guy handy to make sure its dead. Then call the exterminator.
• Counseling can be done anywhere, even in the most ghetto looking, steaming hot trailer you can find. Location is great, and helps a ton, but it is only an element.
• Humans are lonely. Loneliness is such a deeply common, yet painfully isolating experience for us. We just want to be loved, to feel accepted and like we belong. Loneliness and being alone are scary for most people. Sometimes, accepting that you are alone, that you feel lonely, and sitting with the feeling takes away the terribleness of it.
• The more you resist your emotions, the stronger they get. It is amazing the ways we seek to escape or deny or rationalize or whatever our pain to resist it. Facing pain takes courage.
• When in doubt, smile and nod :)
• I like it when clients cry. Don't tell me I'm sadistic, let me explain. I have discovered I feel more comfortable when clients cry then when they work so hard to hold back tears--to me it means they feel safe, they trust me on some level, they are actually experiencing and expressing emotion which leads to healing and growth, vs stiffling and repressing which leads to being stuck. It tells me we are working on something together they really care about and that is important. I enjoy being the witness and not having to say anything. Crying is as natural as bleeding when we get cut.
• I don't like to cry. When I am on the other side, in the seat of the client, I need humility. Crying is immensely vulnerable. It is a gift to have a place to cry freely and I have probably cried more with my counselor over these past months than I have with anyone, but I can't help it. I rationalize and supress my emotions as skillfully as the next person. But when you open something up....well, there's just no telling....
• My clients and I are a lot alike. Why? Because we are human. We live in this crazy country where our culture is upsidedown and our socially formed expectations of ourselves and others create havoc on our hearts.
• Process, process, process--it is all about the process. The content, the conflict, the end result? Yeah, they play a role, but the underlying dynamics and how you got to that end result place, that is the key.
• I like having my own office. I like having a secretary to field phone calls and manage schedules. It makes me feel grown up.
• I like college students. There is so much potential. There is drama, but in college it is drama with insight--like, hey, this is really not working, I think I need help with this. I am a mess, this is a mess, I need to figure this out. There are a lot of questions, more questions than answers. But I like it when I'm sitting with a freshman girl and she starts to realize she doesn't have to please everyone all the time. Life is more than that.
• Perfectionism is like a plague that you can't see or hear or feel until it has completely consumed your joy in life. I am not perfect. Sometimes I try to be, sometimes my clients try to be. What and who are we trying to be perfect for? It is a terrible, terrible lie.
• We like easy, quick answers. There are none.
• I like working with couples. I am not good at it yet, I don't think I have had enough experience, but the ones I've had, I enjoyed
• I continue to learn and believe that SO MUCH of what we deal with has its roots in our families--how we grew up, what we learned as acceptable, how we learned to interact with the world around us, is just so key. It is why I did a Marriage and Family Therapy degree. i don't want to work with marriages and families necessarily, I simply believe in the way the family is a system and we all play a role.
• It is ok to lighten up and enjoy this stuff! Sometimes I need to quit taking myself so seriously.

This is getting long. I have more lessons. Maybe I will share more later, these are a few on my mind right now. I have innumerable more lessons to learn. God has been really gracious and I know his hand has been on me. He too, is all about the process and growth.

Just 1 more week of crazy school work, a few buffer days, and I graduate! The end, and the beginning, are almost here!