a blog's namesake

Once again, I have started a new blog almost everyday in my head. I have even started a few drafts but never gotten around to finishing them. Some of that is a commentary on my personality, some is how dang busy life is, some is how scattered I feel right now, and some is…well…maybe most of my thoughts just feel unfinished.

My most recent half-written post was about my Grandpa Phil. To give you a summary, last weekend was his memorial service in CT, which was difficult on several different levels. The most difficult for me I think was reflecting on a man that I never really got to know. I felt sad that we were distant physically and emotionally, loss that I will never get my wasted time, and regret that I didn’t do more. Of course it is not all a burden upon me that I did not know him better, but I feel I must face the responsibility and role I played in our disconnection over the last few years. It is sad and hard to see pictures and hear stories about things I never knew. The most blaring example of this is my Grandpa Phil’s love of Nepal and the 2 trips he took to trek there. I knew he loved travel (one of the things I appreciated about him) but somehow it never quite sunk in how much he loved his times in Nepal, and thus I don’t remember ever having a real conversation about our time there. Did I really spend 5 months in a place that he loved so much and never talk to him about it? I might have, but I don’t recall that conversation. I can’t get that back.

Facing regret is hard. In many ways I simply needed to admit to myself and others that I was feeling this way. I do not feel burdened now…I want to learn and live fully. Still…it is simply there. Thus, one way I can celebrate the things that connected us is to keep the name of this blog. Since returning from Nepal I have thought about changing it’s name since I am not there anymore. Yet at the same time Nepal is more than a place, it has memories, feelings, struggles attached to it. For my Grandpa Phil it represented magnificent beauty of creation, adventure, living fully and breathing deeply. For me it was fullness, adventure, difficulty, reflection, decisions, struggle, relationships… exploration.

Now, with such experiences connecting us, Nepal is also about family…conection…generations.

I want my life to be about all those things. The ups and downs, the hard moments and the learning ad growth that come afterwards.

So the name is staying and so am I.

Dear blog,

You have stuck by me but I have been terrible to you. I kept my thoughts and feelings in my head and heart instead of making them known to you. Sometimes I filter myself too much from you, for fear of what you will say, what you will think. I think often about what I would say to you if I did not keep that filter…but that is not real, authentic, genuine life. It is manufactured. I am very sorry. I will try to be more honest, real, and open with you. Really, dear blog, you don’t care what I say or how I present what I am saying. You just hold and contain it. So here’s to one more step in living fully.

Elisa.