30 Things: An Honest Update

I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back person, go with the flow, not easily upset. Sometimes that can make me less intentional with actually accomplishing goals, and thus create the need to have a list of things to do for myself and a public forum to be held accountable to.

As much as this big ol' list has been fun and good for me, I just need to pause and confess the hard and rather ugly side of me and my life and even of this venture to live it up this year of being 30. 

I am going to go ahead and put a disclaimer right here, right now: My life is wonderful, it is good, it is full of gifts and wonderful people, and fun adventurous things. I am not writing this post to complain so please don't hear that. I am writing this post to be honest and real and come clean about some things that have been exposed in my heart in this process.  

The last few weeks months have been tough. They have been stretching, and if I am honest, very disappointing in many ways. Part of what makes it tough is that on the surface, I "should" be fine. (insert counselor death stare for using the word "should") The disappointments may not appear like that big a deal, or at least my critical side would minimize and disregard. I'm the type that tends to push through and stay optimistic and hopeful when the going gets tough. I like to think of myself as pretty resilient...because honestly, I usually am.

But MAN. This attitude and perspective has felt really tested and pushed to it's limits. 

Dear reader, if you are out there, a theme of my heart/life right now feels very much like "a hope deferred." I hoped to have my full counseling license in September and have a wonderful blog to check this off. It was deferred due to my own oversights for what I needed. I hoped to have saved and managed my money in such a way that I can do and experience and give all that I want to. Instead I am paying and spending more than I ever planned or expected. I had hope and taken some big steps of growth in areas of relationships...but then experienced what has felt to me like shut doors and stuck windows. And now, just 3 days away from a race that I have worked hard to train for (even despite some random injuries!) I have been experiencing knee pain that could take me out of the race entirely. 

When I started this bucket list, running a half-marathon was one of the first things I wanted to do. Why on earth my little brain thought it would be fun to run 13.1 miles I will never know, but it has been lodged there for some time and I have been set on it. To be this close and given the possibility that I need to defer even this goal, after all the hard work, has felt like just ONE MORE THING that is being slammed in my face. My heart wants to give up and say...

Screw this list and it's demands. All you ever do is think of yourself anyway. Screw trying to do something out of box. Screw this disappointment crap. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING DISAPPOINTED. It only feels like failure. It is easier not to hope or dream or try. 

Ah dear heart. You have needed a couple good cries. Haha I am growing concerned our house might run out of Kleenex. 

It all has made me realize that I think running this race has meant something more to me than just another accomplishment checked off. It has taken time and energy and diligence and pain and encouragement by my sweet running-mate Bethany...and when it is all said and done, even if all these other areas have to be "waited" on, THIS I could control. THIS I could accomplish. THIS I could get to the finish line and not have to wait 5 more months or save another penny and budget, or, worse, wait indefinitely for. 

But really, it has also made me realize two very important things:

1. I can be really self-absorbed.

2. My faith in the Lord and his goodness has been, on some level, conditional.

First, I have spent a lot of time thinking about myself and how I am going to do all that I want to do. If left unchecked, that can be toxic. And, it can begin to create a pattern of just doing and deciding without really walking in step with the Spirit in the way he desires. That truth of "many are the plans of a woman's heart, but it is the Lord that determines her steps." Maybe I need to check in with him a little more? He actually LIKES to do life with me. Ah forgetful you Elisa.

Second, I have faith that the Lord is in control and he is good. But wow, when disappointment after disappointment comes, I have begun to question that truth. My circumstances don't seem to reflect the promises that I read of in his Word about him satisfying our desires or blessing his faithful ones. And I begin to say, "Well Lord, are you a liar? Because I sure feel forgotten right about now." Just when I thought we worked through this whole "I don't follow you because of what you can give me" stuff, another layer surfaces and I am suddenly screaming and crying and in despair all over again.

Ah dear heart, you KNOW your God is Good. I know that you know it. So in your disappointment, in your pain and sadness, let us speak of the goodness. Let's say together, even at a whisper, my God has ALREADY shown his goodness to me. He is not good or faithful because of what he is doing now. He has already done it. Even if my life continued to be failure after failure from here on out, I can be confident that he is good to me. Even if I never check one more thing off this list, Ah Jesus you are still GOOD to me!

Why? Because he rescued me. Because he removed my shame. Lifted up my head. Took my guilt. Drew me out of darkness and brought me into his light. Has given me an inheritance in the amazing people he has given me in my life. He gave me a purpose and spoke truth and hope to my heart. Those things speak of his goodness despite and regardless of my circumstances. I can worship him no matter which direction things go. 

Friend, I do not say this in a light and cheesy way. When I say that I have been struggling, I have been fighting and struggling to believe this truth. But in the ways that my heart has been fighting bitterness and resentment and fatigue, recognizing this truth today, this morning even, has given me more energy and hope than I have felt in many days. I think some of that came when I just let go and released my plans to the Lord. He gets to decide and either way, I will accept where he leads my steps.

And I have to say, if I run this race on Saturday, it will be because HE healed me. It will be for HIS glory. Not for me to control or accomplish. It will be because of him. And if I don't and I need to defer my plans and wait for healing, he will STILL be GOOD and (hopefully) glorified in my life. No manipulation. No trying to work the system (if I say all this then God will heal me and then I get what I want system). Truly in my heart this is how I feel. And I suppose that is much more fruitful end goal that a silly medal and a picture to prove that I felt like I was going to die for 13 miles.

So half way through my 30th year, I still have many more things on this list that I either must blog about or accomplish in order to tell you about my experiences. But I have been learning more about me and Jesus and life than I ever expected I would in this process and, wow, I guess that's the point.

P.S. Feel free to pray for my knee. :)