More than a pacifier

Confession: sometimes I have temper tantrums. 

not the kind where I scream and throw things, but if you could take a look into my heart, it would look like I was doing so. there is certainly some crying involved and maybe a "God, where are you? do you even care?" Lately it's felt like I've had a number of them, to the point that even I was tired of hearing myself whine. 

2 weekends ago I got to "get away" with Mia and Amelia for a few days to my ever-so-generous aunt/cousin's beach house in FL. (I promise I don't get away all the time, though if I were just passing thru on this blog it could appear that way). I began digging into a book about St. John of the Cross, guy from the 1500s who loved Jesus and paid a price for it. Exploring John's writings with the author of this book seemed to pacify my heart in a way I've really needed. Sometimes God surprises me when he shows up. Below is a poem that John wrote about his relationship with God and then some thoughts about it from this book. Don't let the poem stop you--take a few minutes, I hope it changes you too...

"Flame, alive, compelling,

yet tender past all telling,

reaching the secret centre of my soul!

Since now evasion's over,

finish your work, my Lover

break the last thread, wound me and make me whole!

Burn that is for my healing! 

Wound of delight past feeling!

Ah, gentle hand whose touch is a caress, 

foretaste of heaven conveying

and every debt repaying:

slaying, you give me life for death's distress.

O lamps of fire bright-burning

with splendid brilliance, turning

deep caverns of my soul to pools of light! 

Once shadowed, dim, unknowing,

now their strange new-found glowing

gives warmth and radiance for my Love's delight.

Ah! gentle and so loving

you wake within me, proving

that you are there in secret and alone;

your fragrant breathing stills me,

your grace, your glory fills me

so tenderly your love becomes my own."

"If this is John's most personal witness to his life and his God, what impression does it give? Probably as many impressions as there are readers. And if John entrusts himself to us in his poetry, he cherishes that personal response of ours. There is, however, one feature that pervades the poem, almost so obvious that it could be missed. It is this: in the verses, all the initiative belongs to the other.

That is John's most authentic witness to God. When John is most himself, what we find filling his mind is a God who is supremely, active. 

The evidence is simple: the verbs are about what 'you' are doing. You are piercing, repaying, slaying, giving life, waking, breathing; you did seem oppressive, but it was you that seemed it; you may tear the veil, but it has to be you. If 'my' soul gives radiance it is because you shine on it; and if 'I' love it is because you love awakens me.

When John comments on his verses, the pervasive feature is the same. His God anticipates, initiates, gives, transforms; like a flame entering till it engages the 'deepest centre'. John's universe is drenched in a self-outpouring God." 

There is more in the book, but I'll stop there. He goes on to speak of how God truly is active, even moving, multiplying, pursuing, and ultimately transforming. I can't tell you how in the moment that I read this, I was so richly encouraged; as if that flame was rekindling my own heart that was feeling a little weak in heat and light. 

God is active, he does not forget me, he is moving even if I don't see or sense it, and it is HE that initiated all of the movement to begin with, before I ever asked or believed it to be true. I hope this encourages your heart the way it did mine...engage with him today!