reflection

last week i officially said good-bye to Ridgeview. it is strange to think that after almost 2 years, i won't be back on the unit again. it didn't feel like my last day--it was a normal, busy day, full of running here and there assisting patients, eating meals, reinforcing meal plans, comforting and challenging those who were struggling, leading groups, orienting new admissions, and laughing it up during down time with my co-workers. this has become normal...comfortable, even, to expect to re-enter the crazy word of inpatient treatment every few days throughout my week. it wasn't until I had to turn in my keys that I realized this part of my life was really coming to an end!

certainly there have been some ups and downs of working at RVI. it has been challenging, uncomfortable, frustrating, stretching, and wearing on the soul...it is a tough population and we have had some difficult cases come through that break your heart and make you crazy all at once. at the same time, I would be remiss to think that there haven't been beautiful moments too. going into treatment takes a lot of courage, especially even after relapse and seeming defeat. when I think of courage, victory, process, just all it takes to "recover," I see many faces, names, moments of overcoming and I am so grateful to have been part of that process in the lives of those women. I can remember the very first girl I helped to admit to the unit--a mere 68 lbs and absolute skin and bones, almost brain dead, numb to her world inside and out. how cool to see she did not stay in that state of body, mind, or heart.

during my final days of working, we received news that a former patient had lost her fight against her eating disorder. she was young in most people's terms, in her 40s, but had been chronically in and out of treatment since she was a teen (had been on our unit at least 2x during my time there) and finally her body couldn't take any more starvation and alcohol abuse. ironically enough, she was one of the most cheerful patients I encountered on our unit, but her distorted thoughts and beliefs about herself always won. she was resistant to change and her ways of coping with stress and anxiety had become too normal, too comfortable...her eating disorder was a beast that she could no longer control.

it is difficult to face when such things happen. what part was her choice and what part was the enemy's grip on her life? i don't have the answers, but i know Jesus does. i am grateful for all i learned at ridgeview both from staff and from patients and knowing that this is such serious business we do gives me motivation to continue.

that being said, i am so grateful for a break and the chance to focus in on my internship at school. not that life will be less busy necessarily, but i hope to be more mentally and emotionally available to those i am serving. yay healthy choices and trying to practice what i am preaching :)