Restless

When I sat in the Ft Lauderdale airport waiting for my final flight home from Haiti, I felt unsettled. The last 11 days had been busy. I was tired. So much activity. Good activity, precious time with dear dear friends, but still busy busy busy. Yet I couldn't help but feel restless with all that my culture accosted me with that felt like a different kind of activity. iPhones, iPads, computers, TVs, magazines with every Hollywood star telling me I need to be this or do that. Conversations buzzing around me...or complete absorption into another electronic world. It was a little overwhelming. Where was I?

When I arrived home, my house felt deafeningly quiet. I could almost hear the silence. It felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do with myself. I stood in the doorway for a moment not sure what to do next. Since then I have felt restless.

I have been in conflict with myself. Part of me, the flesh, jumps right back into my phone, my computer, whatever activity I can use to pacify the restless part. The other part wants activity, to be useful, to be productive. Yet neither thing settles the restless feeling.

It was not until I got still this morning before the Lord that I felt at rest. Realigned. It is funny that it is not DOING that calms restlessness but BEING STILL. Breathing. Praying. Getting honest. Asking questions. Connecting with my Maker.

I am asking questions like, what am I doing with my life? Am I where I am supposed to be? Is this right, is it fulfilling, am I happy? Is it even important that I feel happy? Is what I am doing meaningful? Is it building his kingdom? Am I waiting for something big before I take action? What am I waiting for? What has he promised me? Are my own desires important? Do they align with his? Do I matter? Do my desires matter to him? Why do I feel disappointed with myself? Why do I feel restless about my life? Am I condemning myself or is what I am feeling true conviction? What am I going to do about it? Is the Lord speaking to me? What is he saying? Am I being obedient?

On and on...

I can't say I heard or understood all the answers to those questions. Still, sometimes I think it feels better to even ask those questions out loud, to acknowledge that they are questions in the first place. Let. it. out. Times like this, questions like these, push me towards HIM. I need to be restless sometimes. It provokes change, growth, movement.

The restlessness is not over, but he does speak and I heard the bottom line as I listened to Misty Edwards echo the song in my heart...

When it's all been said
When it's all been done
When the race is run
It all comes down to love

He loves me. Did I live my life out of loving him back? Am I responding to these questions in the context of his love for me and my love for him? I want to love him more. It is in that place of LOVE that these questions can be easily answered. Ah Jesus, I am so glad that it all comes down to love.